In the Darkness

I received so much feedback from my first post, I really can hardly believe it.  I think as I have processed over all the kind expressions of encouragement, all I can feel is humbled.

You see, I am just broken.  I am a work in progress.  Sometimes I am okay with being in this state of constant work and constant progression or regression depending on the day.  Sometimes I’m not.  These days it’s actually hard to hear those words so many of you expressed to me because I am in the struggle of my life.  I feel deeply depressed most of the time.  I have very little patience, and often feel terrible about it because the people I am so short with are the people who are extending me unending amounts of patience and grace themselves.  I yell at my boys…too much.  I desire quiet and peace, none of which are within my grasp at the moment.  I don’t extend enough grace to my kids.  I have not been slow to anger.  And while the logical part of me completely understands that all of this is so normal, the emotional part of me is being kicked around, by me.  I want and desire to always have the most perfect response and even when I know that is never attainable, I still manage to beat myself up over it.  Constantly.

I want this time in my life to be over.  I hate it.  I have said this over and over again.  We might be driving to Costco and I’ll say to my mom, “I just want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep until this passes.”  or I’ll express to my sister, “Can I just dig a hole, climb in, and cover it back over?”  I have at least one moment like this every single day.

Needless to say, I am discovering I am the kind of person who wants to be the woman God wants me to be this very second.  I want to be the mother my children deserve.  I want to be that woman right now.  I am not there.  I never will be there until I reach eternity.  But, I can be working on it.  I struggle with that part because I just want it instantly.  I want to be the patient Mom who guides my children through this horrible dark time with perfect grace, dignity, and purpose.  I want to be the daughter who is always thankful for what my parents are doing, who always responds perfectly, who is the perfect helper and housemate.  I want to be the sister who is a joy to be around, and who navigates the various sibling issues with grace and love.  Right now, I am rarely any of those things.  And while I wish for all of this right now, while I wish for perfection, grace, love, and beauty through this horrible time I am struck by something.

God doesn’t mold us, shape us, or grow us through perfection.  He doesn’t make us respond in the most appropriate and perfect ways, he tells us how we can, but he certainly doesn’t make us.  God uses the darkest nights, the loneliest days, the messy weeks, months, and perhaps even years to refine us.  He shows us the picture of what we can have through HIM, but he doesn’t protect us from the brokeness always.  He doesn’t remove us from the pain – not always.  He uses all of this mess to get our eyes focused on him.  Oh how often I lose sight of that and feel like I am losing my way.

Today has been one of reflection for me.  Your words have reminded me of exactly HOW I want to walk through this darkness.  I won’t even aim for perfection.  I’ll simply aim for a little more grace and patience every single day.  I’ll aim to keep my eyes focused on him.


2 thoughts on “In the Darkness

  1. So glad to get to read your beautiful words. You are going to get through this…and your honesty will be the paint God uses to paint that beautiful new thing. I’m anticipating something that blows us all away. I’m anticipating renewal for you and restoration and a new song. You are beautiful lady, and I’m so sorry for the shattered pieces you hold in your hands…this world is an aching awful painful dark place…and that daily shows me why we need the Light so, so, badly.

  2. Sharon Schuur says:

    All I can say is that when I read what you write my heart is brought to a deep place and it does not find that place often enough. It moves me to pray for you in such a way in which there are no words. I believe that if you continue to write your thoughts God will use your difficult journey to comfort those a step behind. Also, please never worry about responding to my posts or notes, no extra burdens are intended for you. I just want you to know that God has given me a great love and concern for you.

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